Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Everyone says I win the strip club
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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