Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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