I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
