my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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