how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
