Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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