U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
