why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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