I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
it glows. i had to have it.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize