I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
