Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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