my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize