Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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