i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
