I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize