The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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