Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
