Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
