I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
