Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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