I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
