Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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