i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
