So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Is Oprah even human
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
