Your tits are I can't wait for
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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