The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
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