people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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