He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize