Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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