last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
