So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
