connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i dont even know how to be here
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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