Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
