I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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