Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
