tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
