Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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