I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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