This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Randomize
