I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
