covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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