I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
