Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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