did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
