I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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