i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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