K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
