y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
This is my gift to your gina
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
