it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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