You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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