My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i just had sex bonerless
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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