I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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