While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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