So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
