i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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