Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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