You're a womanizer and a bitch.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
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