1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
