i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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