WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
