so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize