The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
