The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
