dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
