Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
