it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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